As a parent of twins, you will come across many complete
strangers finding you suddenly very interesting and trying to initiate a
conversation by asking all kinds of silly, odd, stupid, uncomfortable or very
personal questions that they would probably never ask to a singleton mom or
dad, but somehow think it’s ok to ask to a parent of multiples. Just add to
this that most of these questions are asked at the most uncomfortable moments (imagine
you’re trying to comfort two crying babies at the same time, or attempting to
get two toddler twins in their car seats as fast as possible to be home on time
for their afternoon nap or dinner), and you’ll have the perfect combination for
getting really stressed, upset or even angry with these strangers who are
wasting your time or asking things that are not of their business. In the
beginning, I found the best way to move on quickly was to just smile or nod or
give a quick evasive answer, or sometimes even ignoring people if possible (I
know, that’s not very nice… but many questions aren’t, either). However, with
time you’ll get used to questions and you can choose depending on each
situation if it’s best to give the nod/smile/quick answer reaction and move on
or give a real answer/explanation (most of the times you’ll notice that people
weren’t really expecting that much information or they even don’t really care
and just wanted to start a conversation). Or if you would rather have some fun
you can even use a joke or silly answer that will certainly stop people from
asking any further.
In this first post on frequently asked questions to parents
of twins I’ll cover the ‘odd/silly/way too obvious’ questions, most of which my
husband and I have heard ourselves (many times) during the last years. I’ll
describe why these might not be the best or smartest questions to ask to a
parent of twins (just in case it isn’t obvious in the first place…) and will
include a few suggestions on possible ways to answer. In my next post I’ll
write about the ‘uncomfortable/way too personal’ questions that are commonly
asked to parents of twins.
Future parents of twins: you might just want to read through
these questions as you will certainly hear (most of) them in the years to come
and it could save you some stressful moments (as well as incredulousness at
what kind of questions people can ask) if you’re prepared in advance!
Are they twins?
So let’s start with the number 1 of most frequently asked
questions: ‘Are they twins?’ We’ve probably heard this question at least
several hundreds of times in the past two years. I can imagine people might
have their doubts with adult or school age twins, but with two identical
newborn babies this is just too obvious. I usually just answer with a simple
‘Yes, they are’; however, if at some point you get tired of stating the obvious
over and over again, you might consider answering with one of these:
-
‘Why, do you think they look alike?’
-
‘No, they’re just normal brothers/sisters born
on the same day’
-
‘No, they’re actually triplets but we always leave one at home as the three of them don’t fit in the stroller
together’
Are they the same
age?
Believe it or not, this question is frequently asked just
after confirming that my girls are twins. My favorite answer: ‘No, they’re 11
minutes apart’.
Are they BOTH yours?
First time someone asked me this, I must have stared at them
incredulously for a while before saying anything. What did they expect to hear:
‘Yes they’re twins, but only one is mine – the other one is my best friend’s
daughter’?
You’re so lucky, you
only had to go through one pregnancy and got two for the price of one!
Easiest way out of this one: nodding, smiling and answering
‘Yes, indeed! I’m a very lucky and happy mom of two beautiful girls!’ Of
course, if you would like to make sure this person won’t say this again to any
other parent of twins, you could consider giving a long and detailed
explanation on the risks and complications of a twin pregnancy and birth, as
well as the challenges of caring for twin babies and toddlers. There’s no such
thing as “two for the price of one” – if you look at the costs it’s actually
more expensive than having two kids of different ages (no possibilities of reusing
the same crib, stroller, car seat, toys, clothes etc. for child number 2), and
if you look at the physical and emotional efforts of caring for young twins I don’t
think I’m lying if I say it’s 3 or even 4 times the effort compared with caring
for just one baby. I won’t forget those long sleepless days and nights in the
first months while feeding our premature babies for one and a half hour out of
every three hours. And I can still cry when thinking back to one of those times
when both girls were crying inconsolably and I had no idea how to comfort both
of them at the same time. I’m not complaining of course – I wouldn’t change
being a Mom of twins (and especially my twins!) for anything in the world. But
don’t tell me I got my girls ‘for the price of one’!
Which one is your
favorite? Which is the smart one? Which is the good/bad one?
I really don’t know why people think they can ask this of
twins, and even in front of the twins (especially when they get a little older
and start to understand). You wouldn’t think of asking a mom of two singletons
who is her favorite child, right? And why would one be good and the other bad,
just because they’re twins? Also heard sometimes (especially when they were still
babies): which is the quiet one? My suggested answer: ‘the one that isn’t
screaming’.
How do you do it? You
must be very busy! / You’ve probably got your hands full!
This is one of those way too obvious questions, especially
when asked as you’re trying to open a door with one hand while maneuvering the
huge double stroller with two crying babies in it with the other hand (and of
course the person who asked is not holding the door for you). Of course I’m
busy. How do you do it? You just do. You learn how to survive day by day and
get more practice with time. It’s not easy, but it is a wonderful journey you
go through while learning more every day and seeing those two tiny babies
become two little persons. My favorite answer: ‘Yes, I’ve certainly got my
hands full – but my heart too!’
Are you a parent of twins (or a twin yourself!) and have you
experienced any other silly or odd questions? Or do you have any good (or fun!)
suggestions as for how to answer these questions from strangers? Feel free to share
in a comment!
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