TEN YEARS

April 18, 2005

My two suitcases are full to the brim with my most important belongings, as well as the things I will need first. Eight boxes full of other carefully selected things will be sent as cargo. Anything that doesn´t fit in these boxes and suitcases has been thrown out, given away or sold. Buying the airplane ticket is easy, but once your organizing, selecting and packing it turns out it’s actually quite an undertaking, packing all of your things when planning to emigrate. What do or don’t I need, what would I like to keep, what can go, what would be better to buy anew once I’m there? Rather difficult, all those choices. And once everything has been selected and packed, mixed feelings. Happy and relieved that it all worked out, but at the same time it becomes a lot more final once you see first all those boxes and then also the suitcases standing in the hallway.

And then suddenly the day which you have been looking forward to with mainly positive but also a bit of mixed feelings. April 18, 2005. The date on my airplane ticket. In my agenda. In my head. The date of my departure from the Netherlands. One-way ticket to Costa Rica. Well, actually a return ticket, but that was only because it was cheaper than buying a one-way ticket (I’ll never understand those flight rates…) A little voice in the back of my head told me that I could always use this return ticket, just in case those first weeks would turn out to be a complete disaster. Not that I was assuming it would be like that – if you send eight boxes as cargo you’re of course not planning to go right back home after a couple of weeks. My plan was clear: move to Costa Rica to stay there and start a new life. Back to Holland? Yes, certainly, after some time, to visit family, vacation… but not to stay. But still, you never know, for some reason it felt like a bit of a reassurance to have that return ticket already booked… even though I was 99,9% sure I was not going to use it.

Besides the hours of selecting and packing belongings, the last couple of weeks had also been filled with moments of goodbyes. Colleagues, friends, family, people I might never see again, people I’ll only meet again once in a while from now on. If the for you most important people have been living all across the world since you were sixteen years old it means you know what it is to say goodbye, but unfortunately all that experience doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier. But this time it's a goodbye with mixed feelings: sad on the one hand, but at the same time happy for what lies ahead, finally I’ll be converting my dream into reality.

And then the day has arrived. April 18, 2005. That date, seen so many times, looked forward to for so long, but now suddenly so close. Early morning, still dark outside. My suitcases already in the car. Before I get in too, the goodbye that I will still remember many years later as the most difficult moment before my departure. My brother in the doorway, together with my sister in law. Tears in my eyes. Tears in his eyes. Only at that moment I realize that he will be the one I’ll miss most.

The drive to Schiphol, some more time with mom and dad and then it’s time for that goodbye too – the last difficult moment before I take the definitive step. I know very well that it is more difficult for them than for me, but I hope they’ll be able to understand and accept my choice – maybe not today, but some day. Some more waving from a distance and then I disappear through customs, heading for the departure gate, heading for the plane. Heading for my final destination: Costa Rica.

April 18, 2015

Two turquoise-browed motmots in our yard

Blue sky, here and there a small cloud. Sounds of many different birds around me. Small and big, near and far, in the big tree in our yard, on top of the roof of the wooden shed of our neighbors and further away, out of sight but within earshot. Some big predatory birds hovering high up in the air, looking for their next prey. A hummingbird searching for food, busy busy busy, no time to stop for a moment and rest its wings, constantly in motion. A yellow beetle climbs up a long grass halm at half a meter’s distance from where I’m sitting. A few dogs bark in the distance and the leaves of a banana plant rustle in the wind. Suddenly, a turquoise-browed motmot lands on top of our fence. What a beautiful bird is that, so amazing to be able to see these so often in our very own yard, or when running in the early mornings. I look and the colors of the motmot slowly merge with the colors of the background: the trees, the distant houses in the valley, the mountains behind them. For a moment I drift away, enjoying the serenity. Two small toddler voices bring me back. “Mommy, what’s that?” Without any doubt the most frequently asked question these days – I think I answer this at least about eighty times a day, maybe more often. Quite tiring sometimes, but I’m just trying to get used to it before the next phase starts and the “what’s that?” question will be replaced by the probably more challenging “why?”

I look up and see my two girls standing behind the fence of their play area with some grass in their hands. “That is grass”, I answer, even though I know they already know that very well. “Look mommy, grass, for you! To eat!” Laughing they stick their little hands with the grass through the fence. How beautiful are they, and how big already. As if it were yesterday I remember how tiny they were just after they were born. Six weeks early, both barely two kilos. And now, two big two and a half year old girls who more and more start showing their own unique personalities and start becoming more and more independent (“Do it myself!”) It certainly isn’t easy, taking care of first two babies and now two toddlers at once. But what a wealth at the same time. I feel so happy when I see them play and laugh together. And when I see how they enjoy playing in our yard, surrounded by so much wonderful nature.

Did I already have this image in mind when I boarded that plane ten years ago? Could I imagine then that my life in ten years would look like this? I had some ideas and wishes, but of course I didn’t know how everything would turn out. That I would be married and have children? Yes, probably. Twins? No, that was a total surprise. That I would have a house in a small village in the mountains with a big yard? No, I had expected to stay in or near San José, but now I’m extremely happy that we found this place years ago and that fortunately we had the opportunity then to buy the land and to build a house on it in the years after. That I would still be in Costa Rica? Yes, that was planned from the beginning, even though I wasn’t entirely sure then if things would indeed work out like that.

Ten years have gone by since that moment when I boarded that plane, ten years since I arrived in Costa Rica for the fourth time, but this time to stay. So many things have happened during the last ten years, so many new experiences and special memories, so much changed in my life but also so many things stayed the same. The people who play the biggest roles in my life are still there, some now very near, others now far away, but just as or even more important than ten years ago. Besides those who were already there, a few years ago two new tiny persons have joined, and they make me so happy. I’m looking forward to the next ten years with my daughters, my husband and others around me. How my life will look like in another ten years? I don’t know. Will I still be in Costa Rica? Probably yes, but I won’t tell you I’m 100% sure. After all, you never know what life will bring…